BUNDST.COM | What? Who? | The Bundsterverse
2024-02-08
By Mike Lastname
#NATURE
Question marks continue to hang over the fate of Chatsworth’s famous record store Uncle Craig’s Field Recordings, after it was claimed last thursday by the majestic and astoundingly pregnant Cougar P420. She is carrying an estimated eight babies
“I want her out of my shop!” That was Uncle Craig. “They’re trying to make a wildlife preserve out of my business!”
P420 is protected by an unknowable labyrinth of bureaucracy and backroom negotiations with the various factions of woodland creatures that inhabit the valley ,
A Judge has issued an injunction preventing Craig from Ousting the big cat pending a court ruling. Meanwhile scores of thrillseekers continue to simply walk past the curiously indifferent Neighborhood security forces, into the shop, only to be incinerated by the standard laser built into p420’s tracking collar.
#CULTURE
Members of the Cult of Smooth Jazz are hurling large Marshall Amplifiers into a bonfire in a parking lot at the abandoned Rocketdyne facility, in celebration of the sudden disappearance of a sacred artifact from the basement of a museum.
"We believe that the Blessed soprano Saxophone of the Prophet Gorelick has been divinely removed and will appear to us all very soon. Ushering in 1000 years of the slickest cleanest grooves you’ve ever heard. No one will be spared”
Clarification pertaining to that last remark was violently refused. The Museum of Near Extinction Events has urged us all to be on the lookout for a brass instrument that looks kind of like a clarinet, and if you hear a glissando played on a set of chimes that seems to come from everywhere all at once, then its time to pick a direction and run.
Conversation concerning Culpability for the crime has been contentious. The cops claim that the Cult couldn’t have committed a caper of such considerable complexity. Who perchance could have possibly purloined such a powerful and priceless piece placed under the pinnacle of protection by the police?
#INSPIRATIONAL
A child of Chatsworth Lake Manor had a dream: to become first chair violinist of the Valley Philharmonic. His family was poor, but little Henry began saving up his earnings from selling guitar picks made of discarded bed pans, to buy his first violin from Junk Woman Gayle, who ruled the local junkyard near the tracks and was able to fashion a violin out of wood paneling and electrical wire. Henry knew that his parents would disapprove, wanting him to focus on his schoolwork to become a Professional Music Critic, so he practiced in secret in a shed across a busy highway. One day he was walking across the street to his secret practice space and a drunk driver ran him over, crushing his hands. He could no longer play and faced a very dark time, a depression that no child should ever have to face. He confessed to his parents that he wanted to be a great violin player, and they then understood that they should have encouraged him to do what he wanted, and then he wouldn't have gotten run over. So they then dedicated themselves to raising money for some robot hands and a new violin for Henry. Henry, inspired by his parents show of love and pride, brightened up with hope. An outpouring of support from friends, relatives and strangers allowed Henry to get his robot hands and the new violin in a matter of months. The hands were top of the line, just as responsive and subtle as real hands, the main difference that they were much much stronger. And so Henry saw an opportunity. He began to post videos of himself playing proficiently on the violin with his robot hands, gaining internet attention, and constantly mentioning how thrilled he would be to meet the first chair violinist of the Valley Philharmonic. His growing fame on the internet as a robot boy-wonder of the violin granted him that meeting, which took him to the Valley Performing Arts Center. However, at some point after a photo shoot, the body of Baroness Von Rosinberg, the first chair, was found unresponsive in a broom closet with injuries that could only be made by something with a lot of grip strength. Detectives have made no progress figuring out whodunnit. A day after the presumed murder, an insane member of the Henry fan club threatened the Philharmonic that this was merely the beginning if Henry were not installed as first chair. The Philharmonic has caved into these threats, and Henry is now first chair violinist of the Valley Philharmonic. The boy's dreams came true.
#POLITICS
The Neighborhood council has decided to install a giant Topiary of an eldrich horror at the bottom of the North Tampa Median, the stated goal of which is to “drive the outsiders mad”. The Council did not return our calls for further comment. In fact, further comment is ontologically impossible.
Mike Lastname is a journalist, blogger, podcaster and is also the anchor for DJ BUNDST RADIO. Check out the latest episode here:
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