BUNDST.COM | What? Who? | The Bundsterverse
2020-11-30
By Mike Lastname
#CULTURE
The livestream of this year’s socially distanced Canoga Park Folk Festival has been taken over by hackers, who have switched the broadcast to a line of pickup trucks containing amateur cajon players playing commercial sports-type rhythms to a loop of Gary Glitter’s Rock n Roll Pt 2. Peruvian Twitter is not pleased..
#CRIME AND #JUSTICE
High End home-security cameras have caught thieves in 18th century regalia stealing hair from the horses of Shadow Hills. Shadow Hills Horse Hair has always been prized for its superior strength and resilience, making it ideal for the manufacture of bows for stringed instruments. Authorities are asking Valley residents to report any unusual sightings of Classical string quartets.
#INSPIRATIONAL
A child of Chatsworth Lake Manor had a dream: to become first chair violinist of the Valley Philharmonic. His family was poor, but little Henry began saving up his earnings from selling guitar picks made of discarded bed pans, to buy his first violin from Junk Woman Gayle, who ruled the local junkyard near the tracks and was able to fashion a violin out of wood paneling and electrical wire. Henry knew that his parents would disapprove, wanting him to focus on his schoolwork to become a Professional Music Critic, so he practiced in secret in a shed across a busy highway. One day he was walking across the street to his secret practice space and a drunk driver ran him over, crushing his hands. He could no longer play and faced a very dark time, a depression that no child should ever have to face. He confessed to his parents that he wanted to be a great violin player, and they then understood that they should have encouraged him to do what he wanted, and then he wouldn't have gotten run over. So they then dedicated themselves to raising money for some robot hands and a new violin for Henry. Henry, inspired by his parents show of love and pride, brightened up with hope. An outpouring of support from friends, relatives and strangers allowed Henry to get his robot hands and the new violin in a matter of months. The hands were top of the line, just as responsive and subtle as real hands, the main difference that they were much much stronger. And so Henry saw an opportunity. He began to post videos of himself playing proficiently on the violin with his robot hands, gaining internet attention, and constantly mentioning how thrilled he would be to meet the first chair violinist of the Valley Philharmonic. His growing fame on the internet as a robot boy-wonder of the violin granted him that meeting, which took him to the Valley Performing Arts Center. However, at some point after a photo shoot, the body of Baroness Von Rosinberg, the first chair, was found unresponsive in a broom closet with injuries that could only be made by something with a lot of grip strength. Detectives have made no progress figuring out whodunnit. A day after the presumed murder, an insane member of the Henry fan club threatened the Philharmonic that this was merely the beginning if Henry were not installed as first chair. The Philharmonic has caved into these threats, and Henry is now first chair violinist of the Valley Philharmonic. The boy's dreams came true.
#CULTURE
“Noise complaints” have become more frequent in the suburbs. Police have noted an increase in calls from empty nesters reporting strange sounds emanating from certain houses in their neighborhoods. “The neighbor kids had this garage band, and we used to love to hear them practicing, but now the only thing coming from that house is harsh electronic noise. Maybe they don’t know that we have an anti-noise ordinance here.” Experts blame the increase of complaints on a surge in interest among bored and restless youths in music that is both abrasive and minimally palatable to the suburban hegemony. On thursday, police raided a local music store in search of so-called “noise instruments”. The Neighborhood Council has released a statement that Harsh noise must be rooted out of suburban youth before the valley becomes (quote) “a land of ungovernable nihilists”
Mike Lastname is a journalist, blogger, podcaster and is also the anchor for DJ BUNDST RADIO. Check out the latest episode here:
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