BUNDST.COM | What? Who? | The Bundsterverse

2019-11-21

By Mike Lastname

#PUBLICWORKS
Workers at Lake Balboa have hit bedrock as of 11/20 and will continue to dig for another thousand feet. Mayor Confetti says the ‘excavation project’ is going “smoothly, and under budget”. Hitting bedrock represents the first milestone in the multi-trillion dollar project to construct an elaborate system of tunnels for purposes only loosely alluded to in clandestine meetings of the Neighborhood Council. Our last correspondent lost their ability to wear polyester fabrics after being caught investigating one such meeting. The tunnel project is expected to cost trillions and the money is, as always, being extracted from the secret LAUSD military fund.

#NATURE
The troupes of green parakeets that occasionally black out the skies over Burbank seem to be developing a system of meta-communication via complex flight patterns performed at altitudes of 20,000 feet. Local ornithologist Judy Wurm began a project to systematize the different formations, and notes the appearence of patterns: “When they form into three spirals, it’s always coincident with the appearance of a mattress on the 405. I have yet to determine which comes first.” As we all know, the existence of traffic is still a hotly debated subject, and Judy thinks she may be onto something bigger than mere bird-watching.

#ECONOMICS
Leading Valley economists blame the drop in boba prices on an unexpected lull in global demand. While the Valley has always demonstrated a strong dedication to development and diversity given its circumstances, it still relies heavily on its boba production. After the demise of the TPP, the valley violently expropriated all boba production facilities. Boba exports are the chief source of public revenue for the Valley. The Neighborhood Council has threatened austerity measures in the face of an unprecedented increase in public debt.

#LIFESTYLE
The CDC reported on 11/19 that the recent outbreak of Math Fever is the result of cost-cutting chemical agents used to coat guitar strings dedicated to playing Math Rock. Math Fever is characterized by changes in brain physiology that start with an inability to draw curved lines and shapes, which can only be approximated with polygons, savant-like apprehension of arithmatic operations between large numbers, and prove fatal within a month, awhen the heart inevitably attempts to beat in 4/3. Concerned parents have renewed a push for banning tapping from k-12 music curricula. Others disagree, pointing out that the link is between the illness and a specific chemical agent, not the genre as a whole. Local Math Rocker Peter Polynomial says he understands, but disagrees with the more drastic reactions: “I get that it’s more risky right now to play math rock...some of us can’t really get those licks down without these strings, but until we get the brands to make alternatives, they’re doing it at their own risk. It’s a small risk, but its there. I would definitely not buy these high performance strings for my child, and I’d keep them from schools until this gets sorted out. That being said, if people shame us for playing math rock, the conversation won’t move forward and kids won’t get the opportunity to practice safe tapping. The parents mean well, but these other string companies, and the Prog Rock community, wants to use this as propaganda to stamp out Math Rock from the Valley”.

Mike Lastname is a journalist, blogger, podcaster and is also the anchor for DJ BUNDST RADIO. Check out the latest episode here:

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